“It’s happening again,” I say to myself, as I see the uncomfortable look run across my friend’s face. I did it again. I asked a SUPER direct question in a polite conversation.
I know how this goes. Either there will be nervous laughter and we’ll change the subject, or she will feel obliged to answer. So, I apologize and say, “That’s none of my business. Sorry, I know that I tend to ask super awkward questions.” I smile as I cringe on the inside.
But she answers me, “No, I don’t mind.” Inwardly, I breathe a sigh of relief. We end up talking a while about very real and very deep things. We touch on mutual hurts and disappointments. I ask her to explain her thoughts, and she does.
Then, as I go home the embarrassment settles in. My mind jumps from one thing to the next. I wonder why I can’t just have a normal conversation. I wish that I made friends easily, like my husband. I start wishing I didn’t have to try hard to analyze people, or ask a reason for their behavior. I wish I didn’t have so many memories of offended people who try to avoid me after a conversation. In this moment, I must remember all the wonderful friends I do have and all the deep and real conversations we have.
On these days, I wish I weren’t so peculiar.
Some days, I feel peculiar at church too. I put on a smile and make small talk with lonely visitors, but I really just want to run the slides in the back corner. I sing songs, but I’m not filled with rapture. I listen and take notes, but I tend to ask the pastor questions like, “Did you really mean to say…?”, or, “What’s up with that song – it was weird?” He looks at me with a quirked face that says, “Really?!?” His patience is reassuring, but I am positive that is just because he happens to be my husband too.
Lately though, God’s voice has been one of gentle reminder. He tells me, “Remember the way I MADE YOU. I MADE YOU to dig deep. I MADE YOU to ask questions. I MADE YOU to search and study. I MADE YOU to serve behind the scenes. I MADE YOU to be aware of lonely people and stand against injustice. Let others be enraptured by music. Let others love small talk. YOU be enraptured by searching for Me because I made you unique.”
And so I am trying to remember that the way I interact with the world is the way He wants me to interact. The way I connect with Him is the way He wants me to worship Him. The way I have relationships, in all their bluntness, is the way He wants it.
This is also God’s message to you. He has made YOU unique. Maybe you feel strange. BUT God is the author of the “strange”; He made you the way you are. He made you with your personality and all your quirks. His relationship with you is as unique as you are. He is glorified when you worship Him in the way He built you to worship Him.
Often I forget that God gave me my personality and strengths and weaknesses. I’m so thankful I am surrounded by people who point me back. They remind me to be transformed to the character of Christ, not to the character of those around me. They point me to Christ, the Son of God. They point me to the Holy Spirit Who fills me and shapes me. They point me to the God Who is worthy of my peculiar worship.